You alone are amazing (:

it is amazing how prayers work wonders
how just talking to God can make me feel more peaceful
when it was official, i was so scared, so shocked
it's like fear totally gripped me when realization slapped me in the face
and for the first three hours of knowing
i just didn't know what to do
i didn't feel like doing anything or telling anybody
i just wanted to think
but everything was screaming at me
i didn't even want to text the people who were waiting for news from me
i just couldn't bring myself to say or do anything
when i'd calmed down reasonably, i texted the few close friends to let them know
even after that, i didn't feel any better
i indulged in self-pity
like totally immersed in it

today i feel like the burden's gone
before service, i was really just forcing myself to seem okay
even then it can't escape certain people so i just tried my best to be truly happy

(i know you will read this at some point of time.and you'll know it's for you.for sure.if you don't, clarify with me and i'll tell you.you were right, i was being a different person from the one who texted you.i'm not sure whether you meant that but it has been repeating in my head because it's true.there was so much to say.and i just didn't know how to say it or how to start.so i sort of pushed you away.it's just another excuse and i know it.after cellgroup, i wanted to hug you and just say that i'm really sorry.didn't have the chance but i will.thank you so much for your patience.there are so many things i need to talk to you about.now that i know what happened, that's not going to happen again.i promise.this promise is for you and God)

that so doesn't work
during the entire service:
i was distracted
i was frustrated
i was totally faking
it was only until praise and worship in cellgroup that i really just came clean with God
i knew He knew it
probably some people around me knew it too
but i needed to say it
i needed to come before Him
and i needed to just kneel and pray
i'm glad there was that session
it made a whole lot of difference
(during altercall, there was this point where God told me that i am idle when i'm being negative.which is so true.when your heart's not in it, service becomes a waste of time)
during praise and worship, they played 'The Heart Of Worship'
i was kind of stunned how much the lyrics spoke to me.

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

two things:
(1) God sees our heart and it is also a place of worship, it has to be pure
(2) i was twisting God's love

(1)
God's place of worship isn't a place or a building
it is our heart
when i allowed the negativity to enter
and allowed myself to indulge in self-pity
i was letting sin in
it caused me to push people away
people who cared and loved me
it might've hurt people, i don't know
but when the self-pity set in
it totally distracted me and threw me offcourse from my focus
my focus became me, not God
it was scary how it happened
goes to show how much more i have to guard my heart

(2)
i was raising my hands
i was singing loudly
but my heart was not into the worship up till a certain point of time
in my mind, i was thinking:
so long as i do all this, i'm worshipping
that was wrong
you ready your heart before you worship, not the other way round
my heart was not ready
and i twisted God's love
i treated His love like it wasn't significant enough to be worthy of praise
which is dead dead wrong
by not putting heart into the worship, you're not worshipping at all
God's love is worth more than hand-raising, singing and jumping
nothing can ever reciprocate His love not even our hearts
but that is all He wants
He wants a worshipful, prayerful, trusting heart
it is the least we can offer to God among other things
He has given us so much, the least yet most essential thing we can give back is a heart that seeks Him

thank God for bringing me to my knees
once He spoke through the lyrics, i began to see the blessings around me
they've been there all along
He's given me a family to love
He's given me a cellgroup, my brothers and sisters, to love
He's given me friends to love
He's given me support in every which way
it's that i chose not to see it all
and now that i have
i am truly in awe

those songs that You directed me to write
i can sing them now
i will learn to play it somehow

God,
i don't care what others say
no matter how negative this situation may be
i'm unshaken because i know You're here
i don't ask for healing because i know that that may not necessarily be according to Your will
i ask for this opportunity to showcase Your might
i ask that this be my opportunity to glorify You
this is an opportunity to show my world that You're present in my life
and to show how awesome You are
God i thank You for being the best thing that's happened in my life
i thank You for brothers and sisters that have been so supportive
and i thank You that i'm learning to treasure every moment with them
i thank You for everything
You are amazing
no matter how many times i take You for granted, You are still willing to carry me
and i know You will
Lord, You are just totally awesome
thank You for coming into my life and showering blessings on me
in Jesus' name i pray
Amen