an empty core

fear clogs my heart.
it's not from God.
and that's why I need to cast it all out.
with fear comes negativity.
with negativity comes a certain holding back to worship.
that's not the way man.
I really long to just leave it in God's hands.
I did let go for that couple of hours yesterday and it felt so good.
now I just gotta pray that it doesn't linger in my heart.
all the worry and fear has gotta leave.
I don't want to be distracted from what's most important to me.
I realize that the more disturbed and troubled I get, the more I push away the people I love.
again, that's not the way.
yesterday's peace reminded me how awesome it is to feel His presence.

on a more positive note: somehow, I was very open to Him this morning and He spoke very clearly to me.
the key message: never let anything hold you back.
considering my condition, those are the exact words I need to focus on.
a question I asked myself following His prompting:
"Am I praying that I'll get well so that I can glorify His name or so that I can glorify myself?"
glory is something we fight for but who we attribute it to matters.

and I think I'm not angry with God.
I think I'm angry with myself.
for some reason.
I didn't really ask "Why me?".
it's odd and somehow I haven't figured that out yet but I have a month to think.
the cellgroup had praise and worship yesterday and we sang this song called 'Where the love lasts forever":

Your mercy found me
Upon the broken road
And lifted me beyond my failing

Into Your glory
My sin and shame dissolved
And now forever Yours I'll stand

In love never to end
To call you more than Lord
Glorious friend

So I throw my life upon all that You are
Cos I know You gave it all for me
And when all else fades
My soul will dance with You
Where the love lasts forever

And forever I will sing
Lord forever I will sing
Of how You gave Your life away
Just to save me
Lord You saved me

I tell you I was seriously thinking about it
and at first, the reality of it all didn't sink in
then I started to really mean what I was singing
I guess that's what I really love about Christian songs.
they make you think if you really mean what you're saying
and they're all pretty beautiful lyrics
there's this other song that I heard and thought the lyrics were awesome
that's how I want mine to be: to be able to impact and provoke the worshippers to think about what they're singing
and of course truly mean every single word



I keep asking so many times
Where are You in my life
I fault You once things go wrong
That's not how I wanna be anymore

I wanna rely on You more
I want to trust You like never before
I need You in my life
Lord, come and flood my life
I need to feel You more
Lord, come and fill my very core

I always end up with nowhere to turn
Why don't I ever seem to learn
That nothing on earth ever stays the same
I'm struggling to sustain this faith

I keep praying for my heart's desires
I keep praying You'd fulfill my dreams
Never thought about anyone else but me
Now I want to know what Your plan might be

thank you for the prayers
you don't know how much I needed them
all that struggling drained me
but I really thank God that you guys are here for me
even to those among us who had no idea what was happening to me
just the overall presence made such a difference
thank God for all of you
[peijun,szern,bryan,shuen,bel,timo,luwei,henson,joshua,ewan,victor,roger,pingguang]