today's post

thank you my sister, for travelling all the way to NUH just to wait with me
and hear the much anticipated verdict
i know you love me(:
haha,i love you so much too<3
just so you know,your presence made the difference
i'm very touched that you came
i see God's love through you

God i can never repay You enough
for the love You're shown
for the people You've sent
for the angels You've sent to watch over me time and again
for the treasures You've sent to bless me
for the gems You've sent for me to shower love upon

i've learned alot in one day
thank God for enlightening me
i am waiting for God to enlighten me again through timo on saturday
he'll be going into his pet topic then (:
i know it'll be yet another learning point
God,i'm humbled by Your existence alone

events come and go
but the memories,the lessons,the revelations
the renewed,refreshed relationship
these'll never be forgotten

passion versus obsession
obsession will disappear with time
obsession is having knowledge of something but your reason for your zeal is illogical,irrational
passion may diminish as well
but people who are truly passionate would constantly renew their passion
passion is also knowledge-based but you have a reason behind your zeal
passion is when you fall so deeply in love with something that you just want more
are we just zealous but with shallow perceptions?
are we obsessed but just cos it's cool, the current hype, you have no idea why?
are we truly passionate about God, so much so that we want to continually get closer to God and consistently chase after Him?
the fine line is right there.
sometimes,getting carried away with things mislead us into getting obsessed rather than passionate
it's not the things we do but our intention behind it all

tolerance versus patience
when you're tolerant,you give chances grudgingly
when you're patient,you give chances willingly
when you're tolerant,you stop trusting the person
when you're patient,you continue to trust and believe the person who messed up
when you're tolerant,you do not guide willingly and you don't support the person for fear of being hurt again
when you're patient,you guide willingly and you support the person even if it means you getting hurt
when you're tolerant,each time you "forgive",the emotions are still there,just hidden
when you're patient,each time you forgive,the emotions don't get carried forward to the next encounter
while we're all mostly tolerant,God is patient
He gives us so many chances even as we reject and hurt Him
He gives them freely and willingly and trusts us and guides us
He doesn't keep track of our sins;each case is separate and forgiven
that's what it means to be patient
that's what love is all about

my heart as a building
i feel that my heart really is like some sort of headquarters
i'm pretty sure everyone's hearts are like this too, just that nobody i know of has used this analogy
God is the caretaker
therefore,He has the all-clear to access anywhere in HQ
He can even enter in the dark times (at night) when everyone else cannot
but being the caretaker,He sometimes opens our heart from the inside to people on the outside because He knows they can help us
then of course, there are different levels of security during normal times (daytime)
the main door is open though only people with purpose enter the HQ
places these people can enter are then classified
1. Places accessed by using the common access card
2. Places accessed by using the moderated access card
3. Places accessed by using codes
4. Places accessed by using the thumbprint scanner
5. Places accessed by undergoing a THE WORKS scan (voice code patterns,eyeball scanners,you name it)
the trick is that once you have passed security at one level,you don't need to pass it again
automatically,you're given access
obviously,God's the caretaker so for Him, it's open access(:
for certain special special people
(you know who you guys are:i whine to you,jump with you,pray with you,laugh with you,cry with you,confide in you)
level 5: trust level is high enough,i trust them enough
these people can read me
they know my emotions
they can tell when things are bothering me
i see God's love shine through time and again
could never thank Him enough
so much so that every single night, i thank Him for their existence alone

why is it that i've known them all my life
yet i don't feel comfortable opening up to them
i trust them
i'd do anything for them
but my emotions are not something i'm willing to reveal to them
it's so strange, so weird, so sad
i so don't get it
what you said today made so much sense
i've thought about it so much
yet it's like they've only reached level 3
shouldn't be rightttt?
shouldn't they be at least at level 5?
the time period is so not proportionate
i wish i didn't have to think about this
but i want to
if i don't, i know this won't be the relationship i want
i realise that all this while,i never revealed emotions to them
it was all just opinions
fears,emotions were things i didn't reveal to them
so in time they don't understand me
i've always felt the need to cover up things in front of them
to appear strong,hiding became part of my act
just like how it was with cellgroup
i didn't reveal things at first
then its like this 'artery' was unclogged and it all flowed
now, i'm somehow more in control, more together
but somehow,this is something that didn't come through
why i don't know
i've just been 'acting' too long i guess?

food for thought
time to think about what i want with this relationship
but i know that to God, what matters is that i take the first step
what matters is that i try to involve them in this journey