encounter retreat

only one word to describe it: awesome
i've not felt so connected to God in a long time
each time i called out, He would tell me something new

i know i'm supposed to be free of all sin
and i did feel very relieved after confession and praise&worship
then i felt the heaviness set in again
i recognise it as the same thing that i experienced before confession
sister wanping was right to say that it would come back to haunt me
because it did, barely 10 minutes after it ended
i didn't understand the heaviness
i really couldn't figure it out
i mean wasn't i supposed to be free?
then i realised something:
God was showing me how hiding all my emotions would affect me
i didn't ask Him for that
but He knew just what i needed
i needed to feel it, think about it and then cast it out
only then can i overcome like He overcame
i know it's going to come back
when i least expect it, least need it and when i'm most likely to sin
that's the devil's mission: to drag me down with him to hell
but i have confidence in God
i know Jesus' mission when He was here was accomplished
i know He has redeemed me
it's up to me to lean on Him

it wasn't just an accumulation of emotions
it was an accumulation of fear
i can't describe how hard it was to shake that fear
the feeling of having it grip you is unbearable
and it makes you want to hold on to your desires more than ever
i was only able to shake it because of God
i didn't know what was happening
and i wanted so badly to let loose
to cry it all out
but there was something holding me back and i didn't know it
it hadn't come to me during confession, worship or anything before that
i felt like i couldn't shake it
but now i know
there is so much more meaning to things when you realise you're doing it on God's strength
now, i can cry out freely to Him
that clogged artery has been unblocked
thank God

latest news about my injury is that i will not be swimming competitively for the next 3 months
i can still swim leisurely
this is a new revelation that just came to me:
why i didn't thank God that i can at least swim leisurely?
why didn't i just thank Him for what He gave me, seeing that i was swimming for Him?
why was i feeling guilty and useless that i couldn't swim for Him?
simple: because i was not swimming for God but for personal honour and glory
this was the very thing i promised i wouldn't do
it wasn't an empty promise, i meant it at the point of time when i made that promise
but i deviated from my purpose
perhaps God doesn't even want me to swim but wants me to contribute in some other area
pride got to me
and got me deeply indulgent in self-pity and blame
what does it matter if i can no longer swim competitively?
thank God i can still swim leisurely
thinking negatively was already a sin
but it invited greater sin in
i nearly broke fast because of this emotional period
this is why our walk isn't just physical.
its mental and spiritual.
negative spirits came into me
they influenced me into thinking negative thoughts
and nearly got me doing some stuff God wouldn't want me to do
thank God for the workshop sister wanping gave about sin and God's armour
when God revealed this to me, i immediately thought of the hole in my armour getting bigger and bigger
thank God for this triumph
thank God for saving me

I used to sing this song all the time in sunday school
i'm listening to it now
the lyrics are something powerful
they are so true
He truly is my all in all

You Are My All In All

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up, I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down, You pick me up
When I am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Dear God,
thank You so much.
not just for this revelation but for everything else You've given.
forgive me for thinking You were touching others and not me.
forgive me for not seeing blessings You gave.
forgive me for giving in to sin.
God, thank You for showing me that to be able to touch a corner of Your cloak, i have to be out there trying to reach You first.
i had to reach out to You before You could touch me.
thank You for blessing me.
thank You for continually speaking to me and erasing doubt.
thank You for taking away the weariness in my soul and the heaviness in my heart.
i owe You so much more than i can return.
thank You for answering my heart's cry.
i am forever Yours and i want You to know that.
words can't describe Your love.
what You did on the cross, wow.
i'm so in awe.
You alone are God.
thank You for being my Saving Grace.
in Jesus' name i pray,
amen