i know i'm Yours

another crazy week!
i went to kampong buangkok on friday with 2 of my PW mates
well, its a pretty HAPPENING place in terms of dangerous encounters
i felt so insecure there
like any minute, we would get ambushed by dogs and so on
i'm not comfortable having to dodge dogs
but still, it was a pretty enriching experience
i got to hear stories and see how kampong life is like
there was this guy who turned his house into something AMAZING
his garden rather.
it was really beautiful, better than any of the nurseries i see around
natural is best man
i guess after seeing how they live, i know how blessed i am to be staying on the 22nd floor
it was an experience definitely and i don't regret going there as much as i thought i would.

hmm, i guess lately i've been a little out of sorts
my mood's been going up and down
that is alright
the bad part was that i let it control me
point of stagnancy
i realise that i didn't let go of the injury completely
and now that the checkup is in less than a month's time
and it hasn't improved much
i guess i'm just losing faith
i know i need God and i know i need to trust Him
but it is one thing to say "i trust You" and another thing to really give it all
maybe i ought to look at the lyrics i'm actually writing and work it into my life
its really horrible to keep harping on it
and i think that my spiritual state is affecting my body as well
its making things worse
when God created humans, He allowed everything to be linked
that's how some people survive and others don't
i have another health problem and i really feel so drained by it
it really saps all the strength i have
i keep thinking why it's happening
i know that i've just been blaming God indirectly
but why am i blaming Him when i've seen nothing?
there's nothing to blame Him for because soon, i will see why He had to do it
now i don't know cos i haven't been looking hard enough
i know He's working something out in my life
He will come through, He always has

from now on, i'm gonna be moving forward
that's not to say i won't be bothered by all that's happening
but i'm not going to let it affect worship
i'm not going to let it affect people around me
i think i need to put aside some time to prepare my heart each day to worship
particularly on saturdays
that's the closest i've come to being really free
sometimes i feel like i don't have to care about anything but really focus on God
lately, too many things cropping up such that i'm struggling to even make it there physically
it will be a greater struggle to make it there spiritually
but i need to be there
i need to feel that peace
i remember so clearly how it first felt before all of it came flooding in
but i have a choice: to continue being swept away by the flood or to go against the flow

what Shuen shared totally spoke to me
i remember she said this:
I BELIEVE GOD GAVE THIS TO ME BECAUSE HE KNEW I COULD HANDLE IT
that's very true, He gives you what He knows you can handle
any challenge He gives is for you to show the world that you can do it on His strength, it's for you to shine His light
very very true

Dear God,
very simply, i need You more than ever
i need Your strength
i know You'll carry me through this
You're already telling me to hang on to Your promise
this is the way You've made me
i need to learn to treasure that
i need to stop resenting and step back to realize that i'm blessed
so so blessed for the most basic of reasons that is that i know You
that is the greatest blessing
that i know You
i'm not afraid to admit that i'm insecure
i'm not afraid to admit that i'm really really scared
i'm not afraid to admit that i didn't trust You
but now i'm saying that You're my everything
i look back to the pain and the ups and downs
i know it could've been worse
i know You've given me this to prevent something worse from happening
i know You gave me this because You knew i could handle it
not handle it my way but Your way
all this while i've been handling it my way
now i want to do things Your way
this life is given by You
You bought me at a price
and here i am, once again after all that spinning, to say that i'm Yours
in Jesus' name i pray
amen