Another day with You (:

Every weekday during Morning Assembly at CJC, I have the privilege of listening to stories.
I also have an even greater privilege of hearing and seeing how the story of the day ties in with God and the ways He has for me.

Today's story from CJC Morning Assembly:
(I don't remember the exact words but it went something like this...)
There was once a gardener who tended to many plants in a fluorishing garden.
He had been tending to all the plants for a long time now.
One day, as he was tending to the rose plant, he was pricked by a thorn.
He wondered how such beautiful flowers could come from such a thorny plant.
As such, he stopped tending to the plant.
Soon after, the plant withered away.

The message to take away was to see, accept and grow to appreciate the thorns.
All of us are roses and we come with thorns.
A lot of times, we only see the beauty of the roses until one day, like the gardener, we get pricked by the thorns.
In that moment, the rose seems completely bad and you completely forget the beauty you once appreciated.
Let's look at the Creator of all these roses and thorns.
How do these roses and thorns appear through His eyes?
I can tell you that we're all equal in His eyes!
Why - some people have more faults and therefore deserve less right?
Logically.
But has it ever occurred to you that maybe for some of us, our faults are just more obvious than those of others?
Maybe they would've been obvious if we had gotten to know those who seem too perfect more.
Maybe it is because they have realized that they have faults and have chosen and learnt to hide them.
Or perhaps, they have taken another step forward, tried to correct their faults and grown as a result.
We are all equal because we all have our faults
How about seeing God as the gardener?
Or rather, what if God had been like the gardener and given up on us, the roses?
Well, we're so blessed that He isn't like the gardener!
He's always been patient and never held grudges.
He's never given up on you and me, no matter how many times He's been pricked by our thorns.
He keeps tending to those in His garden, people who have accepted Him and allowed themselves to be in His care.
He prunes us through challenges, He trains us to be able to rise to the occasion, He holds us up so that we can be larger than life.

Thank God that this came at the right time!
I had an alright day till after school.
Ironic, considering the fact that I was mentally jumping for joy that school had ended for the day and that I'd have an extra day to study at my own pace.
Mind you, I'm studying!
And hey, when you're still studying, you want to stop studying.
And when you finally don't have to study, you wish you could relive it all.
It's human nature!
When you're taking PSLE: you're fooling around.
When you're taking O Levels: you're not thinking straight.
Further on, JC, Poly, ITE, UNIVERSITY: you're so swamped you HAVE to think straight and stop fooling around even though you're really beat and you just wanna sleep!
Amen? Haha.

Okay, back to my day.
I was happily walking out of school when I met people.
I'm a relatively friendly person so I chatted with them while waiting for the bus.
The few minutes long conversation went something like this:
(A: Alex G: Girl B: Boy)
G,B: Hey Alex!
A: Heyyyy...
(I realize this is how I greet people nowadays, most of the time...No, I didn't momentarily forget their names.)
B: Why never join us!
A: Nah, I'm going home, no time.
B: Walau, always liddat, pangsehhhh!
A: Never say earlier!
B: Okay la, okay la...
(insert sounds that you usually here at the bus stop: birds chirping, people talking, cars zooming past, etc. during this interval)
G: Actually, you look quite healthy leh. Why cannot do PE?
*Note: not everybody knows about my condition so I only say when they ask. I do not remember telling these two anything about my condition. But somehow, they heard about it, being in the same class as me.*
A: I'm on MC and I am healthy, I just cannot do the physical activity now.
B: It's probably nothing la, donnit to scared.
G: Ya lor, jiayous! Whatever the tumour, just jiayous!

How would you have reacted to that?
I was totally stunned - like when did I suddenly have a tumour?
And since it wasn't me, who on earth told her i had a tumour!
Oh.
My.
Needless to say, I explained to her that I was NOT having a TUMOUR.
I don't think she got it AT ALL.
Sequence of thoughts going through my mind:
#1: what did she just say?
(this is typical of me, you all know how blur I can be. YAY THAT RHYMES!)
#2: that is NOT what I need to hear with the checkup in a few days.
#3: okay, PROPHESISE POSITIVELY.
#4: wow. this girl is plain genius.
#5: okay, that was SO not a prophetic thing to say. totally phailled attempt. try again, Alex!
#6: thank God, the bus is here!!!

Okay, so I need a little more practice speaking prophetically.
That totally didn't fit anything we discussed on Saturday.
Rest assured Peijun, I WAS LISTENING, NOT STONING.
BUT you guys have to give me full marks for being positive right?
I know all the Nissi GAPpers are so incredibly proud of me, aren't you?
Rhetorical question, I know (:

Sighs, forgive and try to forget.
That girl may be careless with her words or slow at getting the story right or jumping to conclusions or whatever.
A fault that I have to learn to accept.
Perhaps it was a test God allowed for me to practice being patient.
For those who don't know, 5 things:
#1: I have always been an active kid, running around all the time. Just ask my mum, first-hand experience running after me :P
#2: I'm not your most patient person
#3: I used to be a pretty hot-headed person and I still can be, if I didn't make up my mind to stop.
#4: I don't reveal much of my non-joker side except to a few special special people
#5: I hardly ever show it if I feel hurt on the spot. Like who wants to blow it up big, seriously. Only when you're close to me can you really tell how I'm feeling.
Huh, I realize that at the end of the day, there are only a handful who've seen the more serious side of me.
Thank You for my best friend.
Thank You for brothers and sisters in Christ.

What would the rose be without its thorns?
What would people be without their faults?
What would the good times be without the bad times to remind us to be appreciative of God's mercy and saving grace?

I was watching the movie 'Coach Carter' earlier today.
I've had it for ages, watched it many times but I guess this only made an impact now...

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Just in time to help me conquer fear (:

it's a family thing

All right man (:
For some reason, I'm feeling awesome today.
Maybe it's the great time I had yesterday?

Sermon was cool, totally spoke to me
Helped me during sharing, gonna help me to share now

One thing about living in defeat is that people close to you can see that you're living in defeat
But you would be covering up the reason for it and let them guessguessguess
I have tried my best to move out of it
No idea why it is so difficult for me to move on from an injury
I guess having had many injuries doesn't make you immune to the spiritual warfare that comes with it
No, I'm not going to die or anything
I'm a survivor because of God

Checkup on Wednesday
Was panicking a lot but yesterday, everything became better
Because I bounced back with God
Yes, thank God for everything yesterday
Thank God for the reassurance and comfort from my dear sisters
(I totally love you girls and I thank God He helped me meet you :D can't thank Him enough for you girls, thank you for all the love!)

Today, I woke up with that feeling again: like I still feel that connection with Him
Proceeded to do Bible reading
I asked Him to show me what to send the cellgroup
With the exception of last week, I felt that it was becoming a little routine
Wow, He gave me a lot, in relation to this week's sermon on CHAMPIONS
God is so awesome

Through the week there's been a lot of negative stuff
Things like politics within the CCA, within my class
Thank God that the only time I'm involved is comforting people (sounds like my shape profile...)
I've seen too many people cry last week
Usually, I'm affected by that but not this week
God's really made me stronger
It can be tiring to comfort but at the end of it, you know you've done the right thing
And when you do the right things with the right intentions, God will raise you up
I believe that what I'm seeing will come in handy in the future
It's not just the training that's tough, it's having to retain your experiences and have them ready for sharing

Speaking of sharing:
I totally loved the sharing yesterday
The group one and the one-to-one one
It's actually a different experience
The group one was fun, it's encouraging to hear people's experiences and it's amazing that everybody shared relatively openly
We're family, and that's really important, it's what I love about all of us
The one-to-one I felt God's presence move in some way
Strange feeling cos it's the first time I've felt it that strongly
It prompted me to share something I didn't exactly want to at first
But while sharing, prompts came to bring in different stuff and it all fell nicely into place (:

God, thank You for helping me to share, during and after the sharing
You know exactly what I need
Thank You for opening my ears to Your prompting and to listen while others are sharing
God, I pray that this will continue to be the atmosphere during sharing
I pray we will be open with each other, as a family should be
I pray that we will work towards being the family that You want us to be
Part about being a family as was said in another sermon is that we're able to accept each other's imperfections
I pray that that would be Nissi G.A.P., a family bonded together by You
None of us are perfect
But together, we'll make up an amazing mosaic
You've put us all together for a reason
God, help us appreciate all we have as a family
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

When you share, others share
And God will bring forth what He has for the sharing
Prepare for that (:

moulding in progress

Darlene Zschech - The Potter's Hand

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands
Crafted into your perfect plan

You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, mould me
Use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me
Lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
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A friend recently wrote this as his MSN nick:
"Sometimes, treating people the way you would treat yourself just isn't enough because some people deserve so much more."
That's very, very true.
Even when you feel like treating others bad, put yourself in their shoes, think how you would want them to treat you if your positions were reversed.
Then treat them better.
I've never been taught to reciprocate what others have done to me
I've always been taught to act my own way
Like don't mould your way of treating others after the way others treat you
Reciprocate generously
People treat you bad, you treat them good
People treat you good, you treat them better
Life becomes more purposeful because you seek to treat others better and you learn to put others before yourself

My dad said something like this:
"There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Confidence is the real thing, arrogance is a shell. That is why arrogance crumbles more easily compared to confidence."
If you think about it, anyone who has something "bad" has spiritual needs
Someone who's arrogant might need self-esteem and spiritual confidence
Someone who's selfish might need to feel God's unselfish love and let go of what he/she feels is closest to their heart or perhaps even let go of an experience whereby he/she lost something or somebody close to them

We can't look down on those whose sins are more prominently shown in their lives because we ourselves have sinned and we still sin
No one is ever "born like that"
Nobody ever sins without knowing they have sinned
There will always be something in you that tells you that you are doing something wrong
God is the one who makes the difference
Anyone can make amends then sin all over again and make amends again and keep repeating this cycle
God is the one who can help break the cycle
He allows us to see the root of sin and gives us a choice whether we want to cut it off or not
On the surface, He'll show you that certain actions stem from something in your heart that has gone wrong
Then He'll eventually reveal that it was linked to something that happened in the past that's moulded you to be the way you are
No one is born a murderer or a druggie or whatever
It is the experiences that moulded them
They made contact with sin
Sometimes, we didn't know it's there so we unknowingly stepped into it despite something in our spirit warning us
It's like you didn't know a friend was that bad till after making contact with the person for some time
The next step is whether you want to keep contacting this friend or not
It is whether you want to let God mould you through the experiences or not
Some people say:
"I've sinned anyway. Why not just keep doing it to make things more convenient for myself and then atone for it later, all at one go!"
Sin is not some bonus-points system or some loyalty system
You're not making things any easier by accumulating it
God is not impressed that you were aware of the sin but continued doing it anyway just so you'd make things "easier" for Him by forgiving only once for all the sin
The more you accumulate, the harder it will be for you to get out
It will be a rut you cannot get out of
Of course, that's not to say you atone for the sin then do it again the next moment
Don't ever think God doesn't know what's happening, whether your heart is truly repentant or not
He knows more than you know
There's no use repenting verbally but not in your heart
But once you are ready and repentant, God will make everything fall into place for you
He will still allow situations where you will be tempted but He'll never give you anything that you cannot bear
He will give you the strength to stand up against it
The fact is that if you are willing to rely on Him, no temptation could stand against you cos you'd break it down (:

Every weekday morning, I hear this sentence but it's never really come across strongly till now

LET US REMEMBER THAT WE ARE NOW AND ALWAYS IN THE MOST HOLY PRESENCE OF GOD

God is always there when you need Him, God is always watching your back, God is always ready to catch you when you fall, God is always there to listen.
God is always there and that alone is proof of His love

thinking

2Corinthians3:4-5
"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."
2Timothy4:7
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Has it ever occurred to you how confident we can be of our everyday life?
No matter how the world around us threatens to collapse or in some cases, seems to have already collapsed, we can hold on to our faith.
God is capable of anything and everything, having created whatever there is.
Our competence is given by Him
And He gives us competence to meet the challenges we face
He allows it because He knows we can handle it

Along this race, He gives us everything we need
We only need to do two things: obey and keep the faith
Many run the race and finish it well but what matters is when you keep the faith
Without the faith, you might be growing mentally and in terms of assets
But spiritually, you'd be dying away
Everyone goes through this
At the point of your life when you just feel like giving up
Remember that God had faith in you
He's saying that no matter what the race course is like, you are ready to run this race

Devoted (Ignite Network,Revival Album)

No one has loved me
The way that You loved me
Jesus You've captured my heart
Your love for me is neverending

My heart is yearning
Yearning to find You
Jesus You're my deepest love
My only desire is to be found in You

All of my days I'll live for You
My deepest praise I'll give to You
Establish Your Word in me
That I may fear Your name

I am devoted to You
Let my heart be wholly surrendered to You
Devoted to You
I lay my life before You
I'm devoted to You

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i like this song (:

recent test scores could use more work if i am to get all Cs by end of this year to keep my combination
but other than that, i'm holding up better than last week
gotta make an effort!
good luck to the poly-ers for your exams!
my prayers are with you (:
more importantly, God is with you guys, jiayous!

the week is half over!!!
yes, i'm really happy about that (:
oh economics test tomorrow :X
no worries! i started studying on MONDAY
nowadays, nobody ever studies 3 days in advance for tests!
best part is this is a case-study test!
somebody applaud my hardworking spirit man.
i guess after the last test, i totally freaked out
it was like a blankout but not a blankout
yes, time to freak out and try harder
all you people who keep pushing me to work harder, I AM TRYINGGGG

oh and my neighbour keeps hitting her ceiling which is my floor
that's SO not helping anybody around here
it's like a mini earthquake only you know it's her :X

oh my brother got a C5 for Chinese
he passed, miracle enough?
nope
he had to pass with a merit in oral
cools (:
my mother was a nervous wreck when he called to tell her his results
it was quite a sight
considering the fact that she totally chewed me out like 3 hours before that

painpainpain
reached a whole new level today man
with the checkup coming in 14 days excluding today
little panic setting in there but i'll be okay
don't know what i'm nervous about, really
reflex emotion LOL
hmm, i need God on this one
just like i've needed him on any other occasion, every other occasion

jokes of the year part one!
#1: a conversation between sydney and i
*sydney does something unbelievably cute*
me: "sydney,you're so cute !"
sydney (in a bimbo voice): "i know, i'm, like, the cutest EVERRRR!"

#2: a SMS conversation between peijun and i
peijun: lol. stop smsing! be good!
me: (.....) kk i'll stop texting. i'll be good like i always am, don't worry!! *smiles innocently*

now you know how come i'm like that :P
i think my message which was an attempt to set peijun's mind at ease DID NOT WORKKKK D:

hey guess what?
like 5 minutes after posting the last post....
i have the 5th coincidence, courtesy of God and Facebook!

Alexandra got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you can use any excuse to be happy.You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, - you have a great way to re...spond! - you can use any excuse, any at all to be happy. Don't just soap your body in the shower - caress it and receive pleasure from touching and being touched. Don't just walk on the street - enjoy the fragrances of the trees and the flowers on your way. Don't just drive your car - sing karaoke to your favorite radio station.

whoa man.
just goes to show that when you tell God things, He totally hears you (:
maybe people are gonna start asking
why is it that it seems that at one shot, i get all my answers from God
sometimes, it's not that God didn't show it earlier but that i didn't look hard enough
so when i did, then it all seems so clear (:
thank God that He's revealing it all to me now

2nd Timothy 4:7, NIV
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
let's keep the faith people, keep praying and reading!

some things can be passed off as coincidences
but some things cannot
it has to be the work of something greater
it has to be God sending you a powerful message
that is when you listen

now, in CJC, we have PE lectures
i know the idea is really strange but basically, it's like health class
they educate you on what is good for you and what's bad in terms of health
i know, sounds boring right?
it's just the kind of thing that people don't pay attention to
the kind of thing that can mask a good opportunity but many let it fly past
i'm glad i didn't let this one fly past
they talked about my pet subject: INJURIES and how to handle them
very very applicable to me (:
the PE teacher started off his lecture by asking a question:
IS PAIN GOOD OR BAD?
well, the automatic reaction was DUH, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PAIN HERE!
then he said "WELL, I LIKE PAIN."
it stunned the hall into silence for, like, 2 seconds before everybody started calling him sadistic and jeering and whatnot
then he began to explain
surprise surprise, he explained it God's way
he told us the story of a leper and how she couldn't feel pain at all
leprosy basically attacks the peripheral nerves so that the leper cannot feel anything, pain or otherwise
the lecturer left me much to ponder upon

pain is, by no means, a bad thing
just like money isn't the root of all evil
after all, God created pain along with everything else
now we know that God creates things for our benefit
so why would we have to feel pain?
pain of any form is God's way of telling us we're going too far too fast for our own good
God doesn't give you pain or attack you in any way
but He allows us to experience pain
for the simple reason: so that we will learn, so that we wouldn't keep making the same mistake
therefore, the ability to feel pain is a blessing
we should be thankful that we're allowed to feel pain at all
a leper will never know when to stop doing something that hurts himself or herself because he or she has no idea what pain is
that is not to say that lepers are cast away from God
they are blessed by God in different ways
let's look at ourselves
so blessed, so fortunate and yet so unappreciative of what God has given
we should be thankful God has put something in us that tells us when to stop
we should be thankful that when we push ourselves too far, our body can tell us that we're going overboard
we should be thankful that when we go too far, we have His Spirit in us to guide our hearts back on the right path

on to all the "coincidental points":
#1: dealing with physical and emotional problems
#2: promising God i wouldn't succumb (refer to the last post)
#3: this enlightening PE lecture
#4: having the greatest bout of chest pain i've ever had a few hours after the lecture

i believe that the 4th coincidence was meant for me to put whatever God has told me into practice
is this too crazy a logic?
is it just too hard to see the blessing, the silver lining, the beauty of God's plan?
i believe the lecture was something to remind me and keep me going
the lecture was a blessing in itself, reminding me of God's grace
still can't see it?
there's something greater coming!
God allowed the pain, yes, no doubt
but the pain came less than 30 minutes after my A Level Chemistry SPA!
still don't see it?
the pain could've come in the morning and i would've been sent home and missed the SPA
the pain could've come during the SPA and i would've had to bear with it and probably do really badly
but the pain came after SPA
why?
because God is graceful
God even filled me with His peace and comforted me
yes, i can feel You right next to me
He also let me experience my friends comforting me

Dear God,
thank You for the pain and the ability to feel pain
thank You for letting the pain come at a time such that i was able to sit for the SPA
thank You for letting me feel Your comfort spiritually
thank You for giving me the opportunity to see Your glory
thank You for letting me see the beauty of Your plan
thank You for placing all those friends in school who comforted me
thank You for placing me in a cellgroup that has been real amazing
thank You for Peijun, Szern, Timo and Shuen who've been helping me through everything
i'm so blessed to have all these people and You in my life
i pray You'll bless them as You've blessed me
many things may happen, many things may change
but everything about You is just constant
from Your faith to Your timing to Your amazing, saving grace to Your unconditional love
after all i've done, what could be deserving of Your mercy?
the truth is that nothing i've done would ever be worthy
but still You choose to shower me with all i'll ever need in this world
everyone has been blessed, whether they realize it or not
my prayer is that You reveal the beauty of Your plan for all of us to all of us
at the same time, i pray we will be so hungry to seek You and Your plan for us that we look out for opportunities and look hard for the clues You give that declare Your awesome-ness
we're so blessed to even know You
i pray that everything that happens to us, every chapter of our story
will just emphasise and amplify to the world how amazing You are
You are amazing beyond comprehension, beyond what words can express
i love You
in Jesus name i pray
amen

i know i'm Yours

another crazy week!
i went to kampong buangkok on friday with 2 of my PW mates
well, its a pretty HAPPENING place in terms of dangerous encounters
i felt so insecure there
like any minute, we would get ambushed by dogs and so on
i'm not comfortable having to dodge dogs
but still, it was a pretty enriching experience
i got to hear stories and see how kampong life is like
there was this guy who turned his house into something AMAZING
his garden rather.
it was really beautiful, better than any of the nurseries i see around
natural is best man
i guess after seeing how they live, i know how blessed i am to be staying on the 22nd floor
it was an experience definitely and i don't regret going there as much as i thought i would.

hmm, i guess lately i've been a little out of sorts
my mood's been going up and down
that is alright
the bad part was that i let it control me
point of stagnancy
i realise that i didn't let go of the injury completely
and now that the checkup is in less than a month's time
and it hasn't improved much
i guess i'm just losing faith
i know i need God and i know i need to trust Him
but it is one thing to say "i trust You" and another thing to really give it all
maybe i ought to look at the lyrics i'm actually writing and work it into my life
its really horrible to keep harping on it
and i think that my spiritual state is affecting my body as well
its making things worse
when God created humans, He allowed everything to be linked
that's how some people survive and others don't
i have another health problem and i really feel so drained by it
it really saps all the strength i have
i keep thinking why it's happening
i know that i've just been blaming God indirectly
but why am i blaming Him when i've seen nothing?
there's nothing to blame Him for because soon, i will see why He had to do it
now i don't know cos i haven't been looking hard enough
i know He's working something out in my life
He will come through, He always has

from now on, i'm gonna be moving forward
that's not to say i won't be bothered by all that's happening
but i'm not going to let it affect worship
i'm not going to let it affect people around me
i think i need to put aside some time to prepare my heart each day to worship
particularly on saturdays
that's the closest i've come to being really free
sometimes i feel like i don't have to care about anything but really focus on God
lately, too many things cropping up such that i'm struggling to even make it there physically
it will be a greater struggle to make it there spiritually
but i need to be there
i need to feel that peace
i remember so clearly how it first felt before all of it came flooding in
but i have a choice: to continue being swept away by the flood or to go against the flow

what Shuen shared totally spoke to me
i remember she said this:
I BELIEVE GOD GAVE THIS TO ME BECAUSE HE KNEW I COULD HANDLE IT
that's very true, He gives you what He knows you can handle
any challenge He gives is for you to show the world that you can do it on His strength, it's for you to shine His light
very very true

Dear God,
very simply, i need You more than ever
i need Your strength
i know You'll carry me through this
You're already telling me to hang on to Your promise
this is the way You've made me
i need to learn to treasure that
i need to stop resenting and step back to realize that i'm blessed
so so blessed for the most basic of reasons that is that i know You
that is the greatest blessing
that i know You
i'm not afraid to admit that i'm insecure
i'm not afraid to admit that i'm really really scared
i'm not afraid to admit that i didn't trust You
but now i'm saying that You're my everything
i look back to the pain and the ups and downs
i know it could've been worse
i know You've given me this to prevent something worse from happening
i know You gave me this because You knew i could handle it
not handle it my way but Your way
all this while i've been handling it my way
now i want to do things Your way
this life is given by You
You bought me at a price
and here i am, once again after all that spinning, to say that i'm Yours
in Jesus' name i pray
amen

I'm All Yours

I'm opening the door of my soul
Just so I can feel You more
Coming transparent before You
Just so I can be free in You

I surrender body, mind and soul
Surrendered my heart into Your hands
I surrender this life
Take control
I'm all Yours

I'm clearing room in my heart
Just so I can love You more
Giving up what means most
Just so You would mean more

I surrender body, mind and soul
Surrendered my heart into Your hands
I surrender this life
Take control
I'm all Yours

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I can only say that I need You
I can't control when things will happen and what will happen
Sometimes, I might not understand or even know why
I can only do my best in the circumstances
And I can control my reactions and actions to either deal with the circumstances or stay out of the circumstances
When everything comes rushing at me, I know all I need is to be still and trust in You and I will feel You there with me
I'm really totally drained I can barely take it
I find myself saying every Friday: Thank God! I need this weekend!
Haha such is tertiary education lifestyle
*shakes head*
you know, I really am trying
maybe it doesn't show
but just so you know, I am
I ask for your trust in me that I know what I'm doing
Its not something I can demand from you
I have to earn it

and when you see just what you need

Some of us just KNOW when we see something that is MEANT for us
Maybe it's an item
Maybe it's a song
For me, it was word from God
Sometimes, you just KNOW He meant for you to see it
You feel kinda "left out" that He planned it without letting you know
But you feel overwhelming gratitude
Because whatever He's given you tells you the rationale behind why certain things have to be done, it tides you through the storm you're going through or even prepares you for what is yet to come
This is our God

SYDNEYALEXANDRIATENGHUIMIN showed me this
I feel the need to quote now just as it is important to acknowledge sources in PW
I edited it a little but the essence is right here
I believe it is not coincidence
These words have been said to me before
Repetitively, rather, over the past few weeks
But it was a timely reminder

Letting go is difficult because it is against human nature.
It is saying "No" when you want to say "Yes".
It is resisting the tide.
It is walking away when you want to stay.
It is transcending our humanity and rising to our divinity.
Letting go commands us to be larger than life.
No one ever said it would be easy.
But if you know what is good for you, then, you must learn to do what is hard and what is painful to do.
If you believe a love is meant for you, you would submit to all its tests and make the best of these tests.

It matches what another friend sent me quite a while back:
"I will give up what means most to me so that He will mean everything to me."
It is so true.
It is saying "No" because God tells you to
It is resisting the tide because you know it's what God would want you to do
It is walking away because God's telling you it's not the right time.
It is rising to your divinity because you know God has put something in you that will raise you up
It is being larger than life and being an example, shining His light because you want to
Nobody said you had to
Nobody pointed a gun at you and forced you against your will
Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do
Even God gave us a choice and either way, He would bless us
Letting go of whatever is holding you back from getting close to God is all of that
You make a choice to do it because you want to love Him more
You don't want to risk anything
You want Him to mean everything to you and you make Him your desire

I love what God has given.
Letting go is the sacrifice all of us have to make for God.
Many times, it is God or this.
He never said it's be a walk in the park to make such choices.
He knows how much it hurts: He made the choice to save us even as it meant sacrificing what He loved most - His Son
Jesus made a painful decision as well.
It was clear that He didn't want to do it but He made a choice and paid the price.


Lord, I Offer My Life To You
By Don Moen

All that I am
All that I have
I lay them down before You, O Lord
All my regrets
All my acclaims
The joy and the pain
I'm making them Yours

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord, I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord, I offer You my life

Things in the past
Things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that have yet to come true
All of my hopes
All of my plans
My heart and my hands
Are lifted to You

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord, I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord, I offer You my life

This is a song I used to sing all the time in Glory Presbyterian
I always liked how it sounded
Now I LOVE the lyrics
I tell you, each time one of those songs that I used to sing all the time at Glory comes during service, I am reminded of how I used to sing without knowing what I was really doing.
God's really shown me how I've changed
How I think has changed
How I feel has changed
Certain parts left behind, certain parts retained
What's good and what's bad, what to throw and what to keep, He has shown

Sometimes, saying goodbye to something that's not supposed to be there is God giving you a second chance

be prepared, this is REAL long

one incredible week flew past ):
oh wells
i got a couple of slaps in the face from God (that phrase is figuratively used, of course)
i remember telling God this some time back when i was really frustrated:
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
sighs, well, He sure did
He's been telling all this long but i didn't notice
it hit me so hard it took me a relatively long time to get over the shock
though its kinda understandable for Him to throw it in my face
if i were Him, i would've lost patience and just totally given up


2 main things:
EMOTIONAL BARRIER
THE ISSUE


#1: emotional barrier
He told me this was why i was stagnating (more about stagnancy later)
this is the reason i'm not growing like i should be
He did speak about this during encounter retreat but i just didn't do much about it
whatever He said then at the encounter retreat, Pastor said it
i mean it, like the exact same thing
it's not a coincidence
perhaps i wasn't sure how it applied at all
(please scroll to the stagnancy bit further down)


#2: the issue
well
i think it came through clearly what i needed
He dropped the first bomb when somebody wanted to be strict
i'm gonna be totally honest and say that i was running the furthest i could from that discipline
(take note: it hasn't started, it's gonna get harder cos there's a new level of discipline.but i'm ready to leave what wasn't supposed to be there behind me until God says i'm ready)
then when i was running from it, He dropped a second bomb when somebody wanted to change and switch methods, if you can call it that.
i practically begged the person not to change and just leave it
i think this was where i was given a second chance: i agreed to restrict further
i kept it up for a week or two but when the real test came, i faltered
third bomb dropped was when the second somebody talked to me and i have to admit, excuses were flying everywhere
in the end, i said okay but i was struggling
fourth bomb dropped was the sermon
if you've never seen me uncomfortable, that was the perfect display of maximum discomfort
i so wanted to runnnn but something made me want to stay
curiosity did kill something: it totally killed that front, it was the worst breakdown i've had in ages
but well, it was good
then i think God was gonna make sure i got it cos the fifth bomb came when another somebody told me the next day that things were gonna be different, stricter
wow, i actually felt really glad to know that


you know what?
Japan barely survived 2 bombs
i got hit by 5


these three somebodies (you guys rock, seriously.so blessed to have you guys)
i think this is something i ought to put down in black and white to remind myself
might as well take the opportunity to tell you three amazing people:
i know i didn't want all the discipline (or anything close to it) at the start
kicked up a fuss, excuses flying
now i'm saying please just do it
scold, nag, lecture, etc, just let it fly when you have to
for the first somebody: wam if you have to wam
for the third somebody: slap if you have to slap
for the second somebody: uhh kick if you have to kick? (i don't know what action you want)
uhh, of course, i'm not gonna keep counting on the various actions to deter me
i will count on God (:


- you said you wish i had done it sooner, you said you're gonna come down hard, you said you're gonna tell me straight
- you said you don't care how i think anymore, you're gonna do it, you said that my view of you was gonna change but you're going ahead, you said you're sick of it all
- you said to stop going in circles, you said to let go and stop thinking about it, you said you could only tell me what's right but the rest would have to come from me


you know what? i'm getting sick of it too man. you're all right. just so you guys know, i do absorb all you guys tell me and when i say i will think about it, i actually do. not a stalling technique. i don't know how it took me so long. but i'm so glad i have you guys. thank you so incredibly much for your patience. i believe that what all of you have said, God's been saying it to me through you. thank you (:

and to that special somebody who gave me pretty good advice, you rock too and i'm blessed to have you in my life too.that was so impromptu but yeap, you're amazing too (:

AND FINALLY, STAGNANCY
i still can't believe God would want me to talk about it, much less share about it
newest and one of the youngest
that's not what anyone would expect
it sure wasn't what i expected
i belong in the cellgroup, i know
but i figured that it wouldn't be my place to say anything
but when God wants something to happen, He'll make it happen
i ended up sharing anyway
it went better than i expected
stagnancy is really so subtle
it stems from mindsets
fixed perceptions of how worship should be, how cellgroups should be run, how prayers should be said, how Bible reading should be done, etc
all this just puts God in a box
God is creative, why restrict Him?
stagnancy is when you stun your own growth
it's from us though it always seems like external influence
a mindset has to change before anything can happen
mindsets of how people are like, how some things are just meant to be like that, how some things can't be changed, etc.
the correct mindset takes you everywhere, the wrong mindset takes you nowhere
it's an illusion that you're going somewhere because if you look closely, you'd realize that you've just been going in circles
things change when we change
LE CHATELIER'S PRINCIPLE AGAIN
it is only when something disrupts equilibrium do things actually start to change
(it's a wonder how i apply chemistry to this when i'm horrible at applying it to my tests)
lots of things will happen if we're just willing to do what God tells us to do
change is God-initiated but if you're gonna get any further than the starting line and actually making it to the finish line, you've gotta make a choice to run with God
you get stagnant when you refuse to move out of your comfort zone and make changes for God
stagnant water is a breeding ground for mosquitos
a stagnant spirit is a breeding ground for sin
when you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, you're sinning
when everything becomes "just another routine", that's where change needs to come...and fast

i might not come for church the week after this
(don't ask why, it's a really dumb reason)
everytime i try to get myself out of something like this that is purely for entertainment purposes, i have funny people who ask:
"why do you have to go to church every week?"
"isn't church the same every week?"
"church you can go anytime, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity"
"God's gonna throw the same thing at you again if it's meant for you, missing one week wouldn't hurt!"
you'd think that being fellow believers, they would have a bit more sense to think through these questions/statements.
what makes it worse?
these are people who are actually people who serve in various ministries
they can even be people older than i am
makes you really think and constantly check yourself to see where God is placed in your heart

church ain't a building
it's an experience
not the kind of experience you get by going to UnderWater World or anything like that
you don't need massive physical activity
the word 'church' has 3 meanings for me:
#1: it's what people call the building (dictionary meaning)
#2: the people who come together to worship a King
#3: experiencing God
so church can happen anywhere, anytime?
absolutely
we are the church, we are His temple
we can experience God anywhere but we come together in massive celebration of His awesome-ness
that's why people still go to church
church is different every week
Pastor can preach the same sermon 3 weeks in a row and the message God would have for you would be different
church is never meant to be routine
and church was never about just going
church is about experiencing God over and over
you don't waste a second on excuses not to go
or even be there and making excuses not to open your hearts to His Word
and yes, God will throw things at you multiple times
each time He throws, it's a blessing, sometimes in disguise but always something great right?
so why wait?
He's saying He's got something amazing, something just for you, something hotter than the latest whatchamacallit out there!
and instead of immediately ushering Him into the VIP seat, treating Him like the King He is, giving Him your complete absolute adoration, reverance and attention
you actually go: "Hold on, i've got something on. God, take a number."
if you think about it, when you treasure something, you treasure it like it's gonna leave you any second
i'm not saying God' s gonna leave you any second
what i'm saying is that if you can't give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity just to spend time with God, do you truly love Him enough?
treasuring my relationship with God, enjoying every moment, everything right here right now, is priority over any once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to hang out and so on
maybe i won't be popular with people
but i believe respect is earned when you stand strong for something you believe in
people will get it one day
never overlook something seemingly simple and common like going to church
there is a mentality formed behind it
how much are you going to give up for God?
are you gonna compromise time with Him for something else?
and think about these 2 scenarios:
if you were standing before God on judgement day and He asks you:
"why did you ask me to take a number?"
what would you say? what excuse could possibly suffice?
nothing would and you know it, He knows it
like it or not, we have to account for every llittle thing when the day comes
how about this next scenario?
again, you're standing before Him on judgement day and He asks you:
"why did you give this up for me?"
you would be able to humbly answer:
BECAUSE YOU ARE MY GOD. NOTHING ELSE COULD TAKE YOUR PLACE.
it is at that moment that you realize that you have earned something priceless and of much more worth as compared to that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

aiyo

oh i've got 1 SPA(science practical assessment), 2 CA(continual assessment)s and 1 FA(formative assessment) this week
superduperfun right
i'm like jumpjumpjump for joy
well
its chem,math,chem,econs
wahhh fainttt

okay a very important question:
WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN ALEX SWIMS?
take note: WITH a pull-buoy
well, the answer is very very simple
she gets her hand slammed by some guy with hand-weights
i tell you it is so shiok
it was so swollen on friday
the most ironic thing is that i went into the pool with the intention of being careful
best part is i was but the other pool-user was not
i attract injuries, sighs
never mind, it will get better by next week i guess?
if it doesn't, uhh....
time to press the panic button

recently, i know the emotion barrier is back
but i'm doing my best to overcome that
opening up is not easy even with your best friend
that, people, is what happens when you keep too much to yourself
i will practice with God and who He's given
i so need to open up cos sometimes, i just end up suppressing further
i ask for Your patience and yours
thank You for then, now and what is to come and all the amazing people in my life

it is time to get as close to God as possible
i so need to hear Him more
i need Him more than before and
i miss how it used to be just knowing that you're connecting with Him
searching real hard for Him these days
i know He's there but it's like,i'm not able to connect like i used to
i'm doing a pretty bad job of expressing myself here
i do get the feeling i used to get
but it always seems to flicker too quickly
God, just touch me again

God, you know my prayer