missingpuzzlepieces

the more i think about the things i wrote on the sun, the more i'm sure that in whatever we do, all we have to do is make a choice. to do or not to do. to be well or to not be well. from then on, it's best to stick with the right decision and trust God.

met shuen and luwei for dinner yesterday. there's a lot of topic-jumping but there's one topic we stayed on for a particularly long time. i guess i never really knew how much the past hurt. or maybe i just didn't notice cause at that point of time, i was still trying to get used to a new environment. well, at least they were honest how much it hurt. but will your way make them stop? beliefs change with God. you leave God to do the defending because you cannot defend on your own strength.

none of it scared me much, just got me thinking. that's not entirely a bad thing. it's good that you think about what you're believing in then you'll realize just how blessed you are to know the truth. it is not threatening that you being made to think because even in sermon, if all you ever did was absorb blindly, it's pretty much a waste of time. you need to think and process. and thereafter, clarify. these guys did the first 2 steps. they just didn't go to the third and jumped straight to the fourth, forming their own viewpoints on shaky ground. it's not the making you think that is intimidating but the thoughts they would put in your mind.

the more i thought about the whole situation, the more i realized that the thoughts these confused people have are not new to me. not new. meaning that i've thought about them before. i wonder if this is common, like does everybody have these thoughts from time to time? is it a phase that everyone goes through? i think the scariest thing is that i'm not over these thoughts yet. it dawned on me that i am not that strong in faith. maybe i just thought i was or came across that way. it's not very reassuring to realize that you're still on shaky ground.

through the conversation, i was thinking. but on my way back, the thoughts were just swimming around inside my head. i got that sick-to-the-stomach feeling, that sinking feeling when you know something's not right. the dumb thing is that it's not gone.

clarification: that's not to say they shouldn't have talked to me. they should've and i'm pretty glad they did or i might still not know that these thoughts were suppressed. they filled in some of the missing pieces here and there, though as it was pointed out, it's only 5%.

when you accept people, you accept their past as well. you don't treat them different. why would i use tinted lenses when the normal ones serve me better? i guess everyone has their past. the whole community has a past. and apparently it goes way deeper than i assumed. it was something that shook people. it still affects people even now, no point pretending it doesn't when it does. facades will shed in due time and the suppressed past will return. don't let the fear build, talk it out. pray about it. the greatest satisfaction they will have is not seeing your fear on the spot but seeing your fear build and corrode you from the inside. i had a long train ride home so i had all the time ever to think... i may not have all the pieces and i can't say i like having missing puzzle pieces but really, where is it my place to piece together the past? might as well spend time piecing the future.

i'll never understand the full 100%. that's for sure. because most of it is all emotions. you'll never understand unless you've felt it yourself. the feeling of something piercing is something that cannot be felt by an outsider. i can never fully comprehend that sort of pain. maybe i've experienced it before, just not in this sense.

when i heard the kind of questions that were supposed to 'make me think', 2 things:
1. how would i answer if it was thrown at me?
2. whoa, sounds like my ethics tutor.

the ethics tutor thing is random but i'm not new to these questions. i really wonder how i would answer though. this is prevention over cure. don't wait till it happens before working out your defense strategy, i learned that the hard way. i think people did the best they could, from the sound of it. they would probably have been hurting themselves but they helped pull others up.

now that i have time on my hands, i'm going to spend the time thinking, re-thinking. building the house all over again but this time, on solid rock. i have a feeling my challenge will come soon enough so i'll start now rather than be caught offguard.

we all affect each other. how someone dealt with it will affect another. not so much whether people have gotten over it or not because if someone hasn't gotten over it, it's something we work on together. just don't keep it on the inside. their greatest satisfaction will come from watching and knowing that inside the fear and doubt is rising and someone's just trying to suppress it but not overcoming it. their ultimate satisfaction will be derived when it all corrodes someone inside and someone cracks.

history is inevitable, unavoidable. but as one body in Christ, it is something that we can all overcome together, His blood unites us all, both the new and the old. show them that we're not intimidated. show them whatever their motive is, they are sorely sorely mistaken if they think they can turn us.